i miss joel

i miss my friend so much...i miss joel. i think about him and my whole body feels weighted down with grief, like i am paralyzed. it goes in waves and this most recent wave just sucks. it started towards the end of vacation, i was on the beach in the evening, i remember the exact moment the grief came on and since then i cant seem to shake it. I go back and read his obituary often as sometimes i feel like it didn't really happen, he didn't really die. Sometimes i can still feel the feeling of holding his hand that last day of his life and how strong his hands still were and how dry his skin was .i can feel the exact spot on my hand where he was squeezing my hand. i often question my friendship with him and wonder of i imagined it all & don't know if he knew how much i loved him and depended on him. i just miss joel so much.