22 days in alcohol free, which is
3 weekends and 12 basketball games.
so there is that, but what i am most shocked about is the expectations i had on this journey and how off i was! let me preface this with I always have the most ginormous expectations,
with anything. with people, with events,
heck any darn day of the week, I have ridiculous expectations.
here are just a few that have me shocked thus far on this journey.
expectation #1:
relaxing, I mean what can be more relaxing then being sober
and not having the stress of drinking and mom shame? i had thought being sober would be the answer to that
question! being sober is NOT relaxing
me, not one bit. there was just something about getting that first drink in me after a game or
anything that had me stressed out or had caused me anxiety. right about when the first glass was empty
and moving through my blood stream and the second one was on the way did I start to
‘unwind’. how awful is that? the first week in, the first basketball game
into this journey was a close one, a frustrating one, an extremely frustrating
one. at the end I was annoyed, angry,
and completely tense and stressed out. I
had anxiety not only my own but for my kid, which if you have kids, you know,
is even worse. I was worried about her,
stressed about her, stressed for her, concern for her, every mom feeling when
you know your kid is struggling with multiple issues was moving through
me. my head was not stopping, thoughts
and conversations were running through my brain and I have said it before,
inside my head is not a fun place to be, it just doesn’t stop. the usual crew was going out after the game
and I wanted to go. I was and still am
determined I am going to still do the things I did prior to 1/1, just not
drinking and this was going to be my first one. my goal is to be the most fun sober person you have been around! I went, I ordered my water drink and I missed
that release, that release off the glass of wine and the stress subsiding. although the time did come when the stress
subsided, it is defiantly longer, like a day or 2, but drinking or not drinking
that stress returns, and goes right back to where it was, so clearly the alcohol does not end the anxiety, just dulls it a bit, but i will say it is nice not having 2 sets of anxiety the next morning, meaning the stress being back and the anxiety of the day/night prior.
expectation #2, well this is more of a miss:
I miss the funniness (is that a word?) and/or stories. I am not certain how to describe this. one of the main reasons I wanted to stop
drinking is I didn’t want that to be my identity. that being said, last weekend when I was out
with a friend people were giving her shit because she was hammered the night
before and everyone was laughing about it.
I got a pang of… im not going to call it sadness or jealousy, but a pang
of ‘oh that is not me they are laughing about’.
which doesn’t even make freaking sense, that was one of the main reasons
I wanted to make this shift and then here I am kind of sad I wont get to have a
funny, snarky come back to a drunk story.
when that was me, and it often was, I always felt shame, silly, like what is
wrong with you that everyone can go out and hold their booze. I
was having all those feelings for her when the dialogue was happening. but I was also having a 'ohh I want a funny
story, that is why they hang out with you and they are not going to anymore if
you dont do something fun or silly' feeling. it was almost like I was having ‘the
grass isn’t greener on the other side’ feeling, but it is supposed to be
greener because I am doing something that is better for me and my family. this one has me super confused and I think
will evolve over time. goodness knows
that I can still have the your stupid story the next day without booze, I will
have it from saying something stupid, booze or no booze I will piss someone off
I suppose. anyway, stay tuned on that
what I miss.
expectation #3:
how about drink ordering, I thought I was going to be all
sly with this one. I didn’t want not
drinking to be a ‘hing. I didn’t really even want anyone to know I wasnt drinking anymore, my goals was to just slide under the radar. I had planned, I knew what I was
going to order and it was going to look like a drink, so it would never be
questioned. it didn’t work out that
way. I feel like each and every time I ordered
a drink prior to 1/1 no one was paying attention. I always just spoke with my server and asked
for what I wanted just her and I. now it
seems that is still the process, oh but now it gets dead silent while I am doing so! everyone I am with stops
talking and waits, then hears my drink request. they look at me and say, 'oh, you are doing that cleanse thing.' so that makes it just kind of ok. that is
the perception of how this started, because i am committed to the one/80 I am just not drinking. I just never validated or explained anything
more, so I am still on that cleanse thing as far as they are concerned. So 22 days into my ‘cleanse’ and doing
great. but then I eat, like not the
healthiest and they say ‘oh good cleanse’ again, I just do not validate or
explain.
expectation #4:
I had the ridiculous expectation that on january 2nd I would
wake up feeling amazing! as with
anything, I wanted instant results, just
like I do with pretty much everything in my life. I say I am eating clean, my expectation is
the next day I will be down 10lbs and look and feel amazing, this expectation
was no different than any other I have had. I am done drinking alcohol, therefor I will feel amazing the next day, right?
wrong.
I felt worse and honestly 22 days in and I am still not
feeling great. I am tired, forgetful,
chubby and just blah. I feel like I am
in a state off fogginess.
why?
I am supposed to be all rainbows and sunshine
right now. I am doing something with
only positive results, why
do I feel like shit?
expectation #5
sleep, i am going to sleep so well. at night, I get my diffuser going with
lavender and/or some type of peaceful, calming blend. I have passed up the melatonin for a meditation app, I listen to my podcasts but still sleeping terribly.
I have tried sleeping more,
I have tried sleeping less
I cant fall asleep at night
I sleep very
restless
I wake up during the night
and then when the alarm does
go off I feel awful and not rested so I sleep late. I cant get myself out of bed early, which is
what I want. I want to take advantage of
the quite hours in the morning and start my day with a quite sunrise, maybe
reading something to inspire me for the day, get a morning workout in and I
just cant do it. I want to, like I
really, really want to but the long and the short is I slept better
before. that is frustrating to me.
expectation #6
how about skin, and health wise. not that sleep isn’t health but not drinking,
again, I thought I would just feel better.
I thought my skin would glow since I would be so hydrated from drinking
water all night. seriously, when I am
out I am drinking over 100oz of water, I mean that has to be flushing some
serious toxins out of me, right? nope,
not feeling that way. surprisingly I
don’t feel bloated the next day, but I don’t feel great either. when I was drinking I would wake up the next
day totally dehydrated, of course. I
would be woken up in the middle of the night with the death cotton mouth in
search of my water bottle and chug every last drop. that next day, I wouldn’t feel terrible,
getting hung over didn’t happen to me often, really often times I felt great
and was super happy because the scale would be down, a significant amount of
pounds down. after a good night out or
an awesome weekend I would be feeling great because I had lost a good amount of
weight. while I understand it was just
my body dehydrated, it was something. my
stomach was less bloated, my pants fit better so in turn I felt better. that feeling is gone and I am fully hydrated
the next morning. I expected that, but I
was expecting to feel great too and have some glowing skin. not happening, so again frustration.
what i love:
I do love not feeling remorse the next day
I do love not having any type of feeling sick the next day
I do love not wanting grease when I wake up
I do love my bar tab, although I am just playing more keno
now, so there really isnt much of a win there. :)
I do love my water drink mix
I do love I can drive home
I do love coming home and going to bed feeling proud of
myself
I do love coming home and talking to my kids
I do love that they may just seem proud of me or maybe I
should say not annoyed with me when I get home.
Prior to 1/1 when they would call or text asking when I would be home, I
would start to have the shame and guilt set in, the I have to switch to 'focus so
you don’t sound confused, focus and articulate'.
heck, now I may be making zero sense to them and still disappoint, but
at least I know and they know, I am doing it alcohol free.
Im not sure how this journey will go, I will say,
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