Conversation #102

I’m not sure if it really was the conversation 102 I had with myself, I lost track somewhere along the way, but today I am back to where I had particular one I remember, one of those conversations in my head.  It kind of went like this:

Me: what the hell is wrong with you?

My head: what the hell have you done again?

Me:  this is it, I am done.

My head: you really don’t have to be done, you should just cut back.

Me: you could just cut back, but you should be done.

My head: you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

Me:  who is mad at me?

My head: really, you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

Me: how bad did you f up?

My head: you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

Me: I’m done, I’m not drinking again.  That was it.

My head: Take some time off, you really don’t have to be done, you could just cut back.

So what would I do?  I would take the time off, like 7 – 21 days or so, and then slowly would ease back into it.  The first few times would go ok, I could do it, I could be a social drinker, I can lose my binge drinking label.  Bam, another one would come out of nowhere, one meaning another morning waking up at 3am, gasping for water, judging myself and what I would do, then once again the conversation in my head. 

This particular one, conversation 102, I really hadn’t planned it this way.  I didn’t plan to get wasted, those are the ones that get ya, the ones you don’t plan for, this particular drunk night that led to conversation #102 really hadn’t though.

 

The day went like every other volleyball tournament day.  Woke up super early, drove 2 hours to the tournament, watched them play all day, don’t eat because the food choices aren’t the best here, work out in a hotel room, go out to dinner with team. 

It was the go out to dinner with the team thing that got me, well more specifically, the martini’s that got me.  I hadn’t eaten, worked out, went to dinner, drank 2 martini’s and bam…wasted!

My girls were there, the team was there, I didn’t offend anyone and wasn’t a mean or angry drunk, honestly, the parents thought it was great, I was fun, but I was wasted.  My middle daughter asked my older daughter what was wrong with me, she had to explain it to her.  I ran up the escalator, ran through the hotel, and remember every single step of it.  I never blacked out, never forgot.  I woke up in the middle of the night with that familiar, you f’ing idiot. 

The next day I walked down an empty hallway in the convention center.   I sat on the floor, wrote myself a note, and told myself I had to get this in check, I should be done.  I grabbed both my girls, apologized, and told them how alcohol effects different people and it was clearly effecting me bad.  I felt remorse, guilt, shame all the usual.  I never told them I was done drinking, I told them I wasn’t going to drink for a long time.  I made it through the grease cravings, the shakes, the heart palpitations and the restless sleep so now it was time I was going to stay straight, giving it up.  I had told my girls, I won’t drink for a while and I didn’t. But like always I crept back.   I knew I wanted to quit, I knew I wanted to be done, but the thought of never drinking again, scared me.  Wtf is wrong with that, quitting drinking forever scared me more than acting like a fool in front of my kids. Wtf!  something about never again, freaked me out.  I think more so failing at never drinking again was the scary thing, not the not drinking.   Or getting through events, holidays, outings without drinking, I couldn’t do that.

The difference about conversation #102 that I had with myself in the particular place I am in right now, it was the closest I came to stopping.   I had typed a text to my non-drinking friend telling her I was quitting which was going to be my accountability, she would keep me on track.   How silly is that thinking, I am the only one that can keep me on track.  Yes, I can have accountability and friends along with support along the way, but ultimately, it is me. 

I had this conversation maybe about 20 more times before the last day.  Well, what I am hopeful is the last time, before the change really took place.  Although conversation #102 wasn’t the one, it was a little deeper and a bit more meaningful than the ones before it, even the ones that came after. 

Currently I am super grateful I had it, where it led me, it got me to where I am now and while it may not be the path I envisioned, I like the path and I am grateful that I get to navigate it!  Today back in this place, back where it all went down, I am thankful to be here without remorse.  The remorse I am hoping to have today is the amount of junk I will eat while watching the matches.  Thankful to be here with my girl I had freaked out a year prior, clear minded.