Sunday, March 11, 2018

A letter to all my pals.

Dear my dearest friends, every single one of you, extra special love for those I have hit it hard with,
I am retired from drinking and it is not about you.
I adore you, and I adore you for exactly the same reason I did 70 days ago!
I stopped drinking for several reasons and none of them are about you: 
  • I had mom guilt
  • I woke up feeling remorse the next day
  • I didn’t want to wonder what I said the night before
  • I didn’t want to have to wonder who was mad at me the next day
  • I wanted to sleep better
  • I wanted to say I could do something, and stick with it
  • It was not serving any good in my life
  • I could go on and on

Note, these are all about me, not about you.  Because this is how I feel, and causes and effects from my drinking, not anyone else's. 
Look at it this way,  when I was drinking I drank wine, sangria and beer, vodka probably a shot or 2.   You may prefer whisky and vodka.  It just isn’t the same, just like I drank different drinks than you, my drinking had different affects that were not positive for me.   Because that was the cause and effect of my drinking, doesn’t mean it is yours. 
What it 100% does not mean is I am thinking that about yours, it doesn’t mean that I am looking for your cause and effect. 
In fact, that is the furthest thoughts from my mind.  My thoughts generally are on how I am staying on this path or how I am going to get through the remainder of the day and onto the next.  My thoughts don’t look to you being on it with me.  I am super comfortable navigating this alone, but also knowing that you are there with me, being just as you were prior.  That is what I want, I want all to remain around me the same, well the same as it can be.  I am still going to hang out with you, I am still going to have fun, I am still going to chair dance and sing along, laugh at the jokes, reflect on the remember when’s and plan ahead for the future.

Don’t feel like you have to tell me I am doing good, chances are I am not.  Honestly I am doing just as well as you.  Chances are there is something else completely out of balance somewhere else in my world.  I yell too much, I swear way too much and I am quite certain there is a bill somewhere I need to pay. 
Me, not drinking, has no reflection on my relationship with you.  This is the one time I am keeping it all about me, I am not drinking and the reason I am not is all about me. 
Did you second guess inviting me a year ago?  Do the same as you did then, for the same reasons.  If you did then, I am still going to be there now, doing the same with you, I will just be there on water with a splash of soda and cranberry.  I may throw a lime in there as well., that's right, I will still get crazy!

Yes, I still want to be invited.  There is still the same chance I may not go, but yes, I want to be invited.  I will come to the event, stay as long as I want, and will leave just when I need to.  When I leave I will still make the rounds, tell you all good bye, plan for our next outing and roll on home.
I love you dearly, the things I wont do any longer are most likely things you never want to see again anyway.  I mean, really, dancing on the bar, taking off my shirt, roller skating wasted around the bar, loosing my car after a PTA meeting, diving across the floor, puking, passing out, those things you really don't want to see again any way, so basically, I am doing you a favor! :)
In closing, just because I am retired from drinking, doesn't mean I am retired from you.  I was really, really, really, good at drinking and going out on top!  Just like any good retired person, I am working on my next great adventure.
PS and then we went and podcasted about this too!  take a listen here.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

this is the greatest show!

have you seen the Greatest Showman? it is absolutely awesome!

my little J and I snuck off to the theater on a Sunday afternoon months ago and we are still signing and performing, daily!  I downloaded the soundtrack before we even left the theater.

this is the thing, not only are you going to be singing these tunes for some time to come, but you are going to  smile, laugh, dance, tap your foot and cry along the way.  this movie is packed with so much feel good, i didnt even realize it was possible.

lets just start it off with who knew wolverine was such an entertainer, and how much more good looking did he get because of it.  ok, so maybe everyone knew that Hugh Jackman is entertaining amazingness, but me, I am grateful I now know. 

what sealed the deal for me was this video.  his passion for this oh my, he was not supposed to sing during this rehearsal, he just could not hold himself back.  i mean his under study is hanging in there fine, but that music is just taking hugh over and he cant be held back.  awesome, just awesome.

this movie is so great for kids too.  build your dreams kids!  dont let anyone hold you back, dream your dreams, see them, visualize them and go for them.  you may fail time after time, but under no circumstances do not give up on your dream!

hard work does pay off.  you work hard chasing that dream and some form of that dream will be withihn yourr grasp.  it is not a if you get knocked down you quit message, actually the last song is the one that moves me the most.  when you think it is gone, crumbled at your lowest, that is where the change comes, that is when the good work starts, that is when the dream is in grasp.  the work begins and it does pay off, over and over again in lessons and rewards.

this is me.  that is darn right, you do not let anyone tell you different, you do not let anyone push you down, you be who you are meant to be. I mean this one really needs nothing more.  what a hit!

a million dreams are keeping me awake, oh man can i relate to this one.  the number of times i am up in the night, my mind racing because i have so many things, big things swirling in my hand.  this song inspires me to not forget those plans, not give up on them, get them written down and create goals and a plan.


and Zach Efron??  what Troy Bolton and hello Philip?  i mean of course he graduated from East High, so amazing what he has gone on to do.  now we have more goodness from Zach, he did not disappoint, not one bit.

defiantly 2 thumbs up from mama and j on this movie, something I could watch over and over again, but defiantly on the big screen.  that is key on this one!  although we will be singing and dancing along from the couch when it is released.


Wednesday, January 31, 2018

is it a burn out?

burn out!
holy shit! 
I think I am now recovering from a total burnout or hopefully recovered I should say.  
have you ever had a burn out? 
I don’t think it’s the Arianna Huffington one where I collapse and fall on the floor and wake up a new woman, but it is definitely something i am recognizing now that january is wrapping up. 
really, i am super happy to close the books on january. 
since november, life has been a complete blur for me.  I was pumped to spend five days at home followed up by my fave, the annual turkey bowl, black friday and then it ran into the weekend kicking off basketball season. i mean awesome right?  start with a carb lovers dream meal topped with gravy and ending with a post basketball game celebration (1-0 bitches) that when on until the early morning.  the problem is, the events never ended from there.  

when the December rolled around, i got sick, that knocked me out...hard. it then rolled into my 'vacation' time, lol, that is laughable, there was nothing vacation about it, that is why it is called mom pto, so different than just pto. I was so looking forward to my two full weeks off work and time to just relax.  i went into my list making self, my usual plan of how i am going to organize my life over the next 3 weeks, be prepared with presents wrapped under the tree and the picture perfect Norman Rockwell Christmas.  i promise you, that didnt happen.  did i ever tell you about my crazy high expectations?  between basketball games, kids activities, tryouts, I just got more and more overwhelmed. I spent a ginormoious chuck of time volunteering followed up by one event into the other.  I kept thinking today is going to be the day i can regroup and focus, and that day never came.  probably not helpful, but extremely fun, the December was parties and events and outings all that required me not only to celebrate a little more but spend a good good amount of money. 

I was so ready to get back to work and back into my routine.  as much as I say I want a home routine or work from home, that is not my reality so it was too hard for me to get into a routine over that break knowing it wasn't something that was going to be sustained.

my workouts were off 
my eating was off
I was over drinking
I was over spending
I wasnt sleeping
I wasnt even showering some days! 

I am pretty sure this is where the January 1 melt down came into play. 

I am not one for self-pity, I have always felt push through, suck it up and move on.  i couldnt grasp why I couldn’t get out of this funk it was killing me the negativity, the fogginess of my brain, the overwhelming feeling of panic attacks from the tightness in my arm to the pain in my legs. everything was just overwhelming my whole being.

1/1 I woke up I knew something had changed. granted it was a new year and that’s always a time for me to go into my crazy expectations of a fresh start, I was going to take full advantage of that. the reality, it has taken me a solid 30 days to get to a point where I feel somewhat life like again and that turnaround just happened this morning.  

last night was the first night I slept well, I woke up feeling refreshed, I actually like felt like I was more alive when I looked in the mirror and all of the podcast and self-help book I have been walking around listening to and diving myself into for the past 30 days have made a shift in my thinking.  these days my ear buds are always in, my commutes are podcast filled and while at my desk I am listening to books.  in pick up lines in parking lots i am listening to anything I can get my brain wired to help me overcome the overwhelming craziness of November and December.

now that the book is closing on January and i couldnt be more thankful. the new month i am focused on change and instead of being anxious and overwhelmed and wanting to cry at the drop of a hat and just driving in my car crying,  I am rested. today, I felt like I wanted to get up and face the day, I almost felt like something shifted inside me, there was a spark today. this week coming up is one that I dreaded, and my thought had been, dread a doom, stay in bed and sleep through it, but the shift altered me to be ready to attack this week filled with work, kids school schedules, basketball tournaments, volleyball tournament basketball games, the gym and appointments I need to take care. earlier this week I was debating podcasting, just so i could vent and cry, but that feeling has escaped me, kathy & i still podcasted but about another subject, still  talking about tough stuff, but not all doomsday! 

thank you mind shift that happened between 10pm and 5am, I’m now ready to attack with caution so there is not a slippery slope that takes me down for 90 days again.

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